I have been inside you for over a year now. Your winters suck. Your summers are the best. You’ve inspired me as an artist. You’ve made me a nicer person. You’ve brainwashed me into saying “eh?” all the time… It’s been fun. Before I remove myself from you, I just wanted to end things on a positive note, you know? So, here’s a list of what I will and won’t miss, as an ode to being able to enter you with your consent:
I will miss all of you hippies with your septum piercings and your multi-colored hair and your radical inclusivity. There’s a fine line between love and hate. I absolutely love what you stand for. I also hate how over the top it is. My occasional honesty was almost seen as rude and too straightforward. You don’t have to be positive about everything, you know? But I’ll still miss it. So much. You guys are the best.
I won’t miss anything maple-flavored. Maple syrup is great, maple donuts are disgusting and you need to stop it.
I will miss saying “I love” or “I’m obsessed with” for things I don’t necessarily love or am obsessed with. “Oh my god, I literally am obsessed with your dog”
I won’t miss camping. Everybody in BC is ‘obsessed’ with camping in the wild. You could die! Bears will attack you. Chopping wood is stupid. Going outside to pee sucks. Tents are cold. No.
I will miss your kindness. Whether or not it was sincere, I’ve become a nicer person because of it. Never lose your kindness, Canada.
I won’t miss hockey. A bunch of testosterone-wild men running on ice and getting angry at each other. That game is seriously like a fistfight with sticks.
I will miss all of the Chinese food chains, speaking Chinese as much as I did in China, and using Chinese apps as much as I did in China. In some areas it was just like being in China, with a few extra white people. Amazing.
I won’t miss Country music. I think I am tolerant of, and am able to enjoy most music genres. But Country is not one of them. A bunch of white people singing about trucks and whiskey. Mostly. The occasional heartbreak song, maybe. Sad. Also, it all sounds exactly the same. If I were an undercover spy and I got caught, the best way to get information out of me is not by physical torture. It’s by playing hours and hours of Country music.
I will miss the silence. As I embark on a new journey to a loud, crowded, hot, and dusty place, I shall enjoy a last evening walk hearing nothing but the light breeze of wind. Silence is something to cherish, my friends.
I won’t miss weird things like when I told the waitress I wanted a medium coffee, she answered with: “bless.” What does that even mean? Am I getting old?
I will miss lumberjack shirts and hipster men with beards. Ya’ll look fly. I like.
On a slightly more serious note: I won’t miss the insane amount of homeless people. I was lucky to do some volunteering during my time in Vancouver and I’ve gotten to know some of them on a personal level. I was just taken aback by the intensity of the situation, and the way that it’s being handled. This is not a political page or anything, but I feel deeply for these people. I cannot speak for their experiences, but I know that it’s a ridiculously tough life. Will not miss it, but will not forget, nor ever ignore it.
I will miss donuts. Boy, will I miss donuts. And all the other unhealthy foods. Krispy Kreme my forever love. Dairy Queen my sidebae. Wendy’s, A&W… I hope you think about me sometimes – your favorite customer.
I won’t miss that one time I ran from a Coyote because I thought it was a wolf and it was going to eat me…. I can do without scary animals and insects forever, really.
I will miss my friend Tim. Tims. Timbits. Even though the coffee wasn’t that great. Nor the food. It’s mainly just cheap, eh? But everyone loves Tim Horton’s, so I love Tim Horton’s.
I will miss you, Canada (Vancouver, mainly). You were peaceful. Vancouver was the least racist place I’ve ever lived in. You were inclusive (and also segregated, but ok) You were kind. You were drama-free. You have free health care and affordable-ish education. You’re not too bad. Don’t ever change. Just get rid of maple donuts. Love you ❤